


zoe's diary

by janisisaspacedyke



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Flashbacks, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Mental Health Issues, My First Fanfic, Post-Canon, Some Canon, idk lol, this is my first fic plz be nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:20:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27374854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janisisaspacedyke/pseuds/janisisaspacedyke
Summary: dear diarywhere do i even start?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	1. september 1st 2016

dear diary

where do i even start?

today is the first day back at school. my senior year.  
mom woke me up this morning, all cheery and shit. i hate when she's like that. she's pretending not to be upset. its weird.

she insisted on driving me to school. she's been very protective of me this last year.  
i don't blame her. i'm the only kid she's got left.

when we pull up at school i can feel all the eyes on me. last year i was nobody, but this year everyone knows me. i was just the quiet kid who did jazz band. now i'm the dead kids sister

its all his fault. i miss when we where kids. people always said he was the happiest kid they ever met. 

...was

september 1st 2016 was the first day of my senior year

september 1st 2015 was the first day of my brothers senior year

...and his last

i wish we could have helped you connor

~ zoe murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading the first chapter of my first fic :)


	2. september 2nd 2016

dear diary

what kinda psychopath gives out homework, ON THE FIRST DAY?  
as if i haven’t already got enough to be dealing with. 

if i had a dollar every time someone mentioned my brother in the last two days,  
i’d have like fifty bucks  
he’s been dead for a year and he’s still messing with me.

inevitably, my parents are getting a divorce. they tried to make it work, but after my brother died it all went downhill. turns out my family could get more dysfunctional.

i don’t know who i’d even want to live with.

i’ll be 18 next year

better start saving for an apartment or something so i can get away from all this. 

start a new life in a different state where no one know me.

and where no one knows about connor

~ zoe murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading :)
> 
> i’m enjoying writing this
> 
> hopefully i won’t abandon it lol


	3. september 5th 2016

dear diary 

wow i it’s been 5 days and i forgot i had this thing.

well i did it. i completed my first week of senior year

that’s four more days than connor

i always complain about people mentioning him, yet im the one who brings him up constantly. i guess it’s my coping mechanism, making jokes about how i outlived my brother. 

mom is moving out tomorrow. she’s got this apartment on the other side of town. dads staying here. in our house. he says he’ll probably sell it soon.

it’s bittersweet.

i grew up here. i have so many happy memories.  
and so many sad ones too

anyways... 

i should probably write more about school and stuff rather than all that depressing shit.

today was meh. school was meh. i had jazz band after school. that was fun i guess. it’s weird being the oldest now. all these juniors looking up to us. i still can’t believe that was me last year.

everything has changed

~ zoe murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go again :)
> 
> as usual hope you enjoy 
> 
> comments and kudos are very much appreciated <3


	4. september 6th 2016

dear diary

i was going through old stuff and found this assignment thing that i did in 2nd grade where we had to write about someone in our family

i chose connor 

(i decided to type it out so it was actually  
eligible)

-  
-

my big brother is connor and he is my favourite person in the whole world because he is kind.  
he is in third grade. he is one year and one month and twelve days older than me.  
he lets me win when we play and he always shares his toys with me.  
when kids at school are mean to me connor tells them to go away. he promises to protect me. 

connor is always happy and makes people smile and that’s why he’s the bestest big brother in the whole wide world 

-  
-

well that was... interesting 

there isn’t much else interesting to put in my diary today so i think i’ll end it here

~ zoe murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to google grades n stuff coz i’m not american lol
> 
> also idk how many chapters there will be yet 
> 
> hope you enjoyed and as always kudos and comments are amazing
> 
> ok bye :)


	5. april 20th 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the finale

dear diary

i was having a clear out and found this diary from when i was 17 so i thought i’d add to it because things have improved and i deserve a happy ending. 

-  
-

today is a happy/sad day.  
it’s my brothers birthday.  
he would be 22.

i’ve changed slot since my last entry. after connor died i never wanted to admit that i had emotions. that i felt things. my whole family was falling apart. someone had to keep it together and that someone was me. 

turns out in doing so i made things a lot worse. 

i’ll spare you the details but just know that things are looking up. my family has been through tough times and made mistakes, but we’ve learned how to prevent more of them happening. 

how you ask?

we talked

it’s not perfect. we have bad days. 

it’s natural, no one is perfect

-  
-  
ive moved out and i’m living with my friends. it’s great. i feel free. i’ve moved on. 

i find it easier to acknowledge the good things about connor. i can admit that i miss him now. 

sadly, i don’t think i’ll keep writing in this diary. i’m too busy with school and, well life.

it’s nice to look back and see how i’ve changed though

~ zoe murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is. the end.
> 
> i decided to finish it on a happier note 
> 
> hope u enjoyed
> 
> i’m hoping to write more fics soon both deh and also mean girls
> 
> ty for reading :)


End file.
